Words attempting to share thoughts & emotions

sunsetting again

Boo rests to my side, comfy under a blanket or two, heating pad under the blankets, window open allowing the fall refreshment to flow in, a coolness announcing the change of seasons.

52 weeks, 52 weeks // 52 Saturdays, 52 Sundays // 52 Fridays, 52 Mondays

A bunch of words bouncing about inside the skull bucket this week.

I reviewed my Facebook postings on my celly phone earlier – got confused that I had not shared my words last fall! but, apparently, I did. Just reviewed the phrases I put together a year ago:
“gaze upon your loved ones, see their beauty, their strength, their heart. feel blessed that your life is filled with goodness, no matter how many edges you might come across. be kind to the ‘nimals who bring their love to your life, perhaps an extra treat when they might not have earned one. At least a skritch about their ears, eh?
for Tomorrow, where we place our hopes and our dreams, I bid you good night, and peaceful slumber my friends.”

Seem to be good words still.

I laugh at my previous attempt to share, where it seems I buried the words behind an un-clickable link. Sigh. Technology sometimes wins.

I think it is sometimes too easy to return to normal, the typical days, typical ways after a significant change. challenge. loss.

I think at times, especially the dark times, that nothing has changed when it all has changed. I am still me, it seems, but I am somehow completely different. But exactly the same. A very odd felling.

I think perhaps Boo and I have persevered against much crap and sadness, but I’m unsure we’ve ‘progressed’ much – how much should we be able to do?

Our friends were so important, still are so very very important to our sanity. We are where we are (safe and sane and loved) because we had such goodness come into our hearts and home when much much darkness entered our lives – I attempt to recall the painful edges, internally and externally I shy away. Might be a very smart move.

I’ve written and deleted a sentence so many times. Because I try to be … proper? Respectful? Modest? Fuck if I know.

and so I will leave it at that – who knows what I’m being. shy? sigh …

I do so hope you have all the love you can handle, and much more than you need.
I do so hope you know the deep appreciation and incredible awe that you are held in by friends and strangers near by.
I do so hope you and yours are warm and happy as the fall encroaches on our summer baked lives.

I do so hope Tomorrow is a wonderful day.

ciao,

}S{ | dona nobis pacem |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

{{11:09p +25Sep2013 = Wednesday eve, on the couch with boo || Sir David Attenboro speaks of acorns, squirrels, and Virginia… with puppy barks outside in the fall eve}}

Avast you scurvey dogs with grog … er, … um… Ahoy!

oh hey. can we go inside now?

Halitron Toeses got her first trip to the vet today. It went well.

oh hey, is there something on my head?

As a reward we went for a long strollies in a new park – Forest Hills, I think – it was such a lovely morning how could we not stop and celebrate her clean bill of health with a fun adventure?

Hali, outstanding in her field

All the peeps at the Vet absolutely adored Hali. She behaved really really well, and it’s always reassuring when professionals express confidence in your ‘nimal.
(2:36p – Dry the Rain by The Beta Band)

A wonderful day – 73 degrees, heading to a high of only 77 today – yay! I do so love the weather of Fall, though I have to admit there seems to be a portent of ‘stormy’ as I glance down the path that winds past the days of yore … Boo’s been a trooper, and in reviewing words I scribbled from the past 12 months our friends and families have been sooooooo amazing.

How ever will I say ‘thank you’? Do you / they know how much we’re able to stand because of the support? hmmm…
(3p – Mr. Wendel by Arrested Development)

But are these the thoughts I need to type here, now? I’ve got only this tab in the FireFox window – nothing else; even made the FF window full screen! and still … my laser like focus is not happening.
perhaps that is normal; being able to focus and knock out lots and lots of productivity might be the ‘odd’ behavior … probably not, though.

How about another pic of Hali?

tuckered out in the back seat

Went into the worm hole of Avid ID registration. sigh.

(3:27p – The National sings Fake Empire)  {{ … most painful beautiful …}}

+++below are ramblings – probably not worth your time – look at my pup and smile+++

+++No. Really. I hesitate to even push publish on this stuff … and thus, this break. Go find things to make you smile.+++

+++I often type in cryptic notation – what’s below is raw, unpolished heart-spillage and it’s … probably not uplifting to anyone besides me. Why I just don’t cut and past it into my OneNote I do not know.+++

+++really? ok … but know this. It’s a mess in here. Tidy enough, liveable definitely, but still not something you open the door to your new neighbors and say ‘come on in, let me get you a drink. Have you heard of Krupnikas? it’s a Durham spirit – quite tasty, really…’ +++

::s::

I read my typings, scribblings, drippings and droppings in my OneNote journal; both to clarify the dates of the past events, but additionally ’cause boo made a stormy observation – in pursuing the loss, perhaps I was not holding value to what was lost.

hope + dreams

I’ll plead poorly skilled, but her insight … well, she’s a great woman with an amazing heart. Loss. In reflecting it seems that the hope, hopefullness, excitement was counter-weighed by the pain, the shock, the cascade into even more pain and loss and shock. When I noticed that we we could still get up out of bed it was – at least to me – such an achievement, to not have dropped into an endless fall into a bottomless abyss … the overwhelming love and support and hands to hold giving us the ability to stand once more under the open sky, under the warming sun and guiding moon & stars, I never looked back. why would I then?

Probably for good reasons, but perhaps lending to a poor focus for this years passage into ‘those months’ – perhaps this is the way we all should go, distracted and un-focused on the important things. Look – shiny!!

{3:44p – Alive by Empire of the Sun on KEXP, a request for a song that served as an anthem in the face of the loss of a mother}{followed by Today by the Smashing Pumpkins}

Hi. My name’s Scott. It’s been a year now since the news – since the truth that life was going to change completely – came to Boo and I. I truly hope that my ‘mature’ handling of the potential excitement and dizzying terror of that news was truly from my years and wisdom and maturity, not the hellhole of my fear-based lifestyle (oh fear – why did I choose YOU??) – and I might just think that I was robbed of the chance to climb the height to see the incredible future Boo and I could have had. But I did not. Joyful, looking up and forward, but not jumping for joy. Not crazy intense focus where all is immediately shelved and the new life is put on for the world to see. No. Caution. Cautious rebel my ass, I’m just afraid of pain.
Seems, though, you might want to grab the happy while it’s about. The pain is inevitable, though survivable.
Sigh.

Does anyone really want to read or hear this? If you’re down here, thank you. If you don’t think I appreciate the attention, fret not – I am no solitary ranger leading battle against the forces preparing to overwhealm us. No, I am but a man, with friends and family, good ones, ones I truly appreciate. So thanks.

Of course, is the pain any more severe if you fall from a greater height? … caution or fear? huh.

{3:52p – Show Me from Mint Royal into I’m Free by the Soup Dragons – John does know what the hell he’s doing, doesn’t he?}

September. October. November. Tough times that I heft the weight of onto my shoulders, and stand up as tall as I can … bearing up under the pressure I hope, to prove that I’m here, that I’m tough. Kinda puts a crimp in escaping into the ether, leaving a technicolor spectactical of rainbows and shooting stars and fireworks and absinthe tinged fairies chasing fireflys who circle Tinkerbell while angels play rock and roll music. Nope. I’m just proud to be standing.
Need to realize … I’m free. To do what I want. … what ever that might be. Hmmm…

Ok – should I sign off here? should I keep purusing where these words and thoughts are taking me? share the aches and pains of getting some internet cooties the day after mickeymatt says ‘huh, emails from me with links to poland, eh? no – that’s not me..’ … of the weird feelings that school, though excellent, might not be taking me to a place where I can stand all shiny with my new awesomeness – a fear that I’m spinning my wheels in a playground sandbox that doesn’t get me anywhere I haven’t already been before? wait – can I express my fears? no – I shouldn’t do that…

{if you have your heart/head set on something, DO IT (says John, a lesson learned from his parents)}

{4:05p -run – snow patrol … sigh}
ciao,

}S{ | dona nobis pacem |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

{{2:20p + 19Sep2013 = Thurrrrrrrrrsday || KEXP archive plays ‘Not In Love’ by Crystal Castles f. Robert Smith}}

Songs to blog to, circa March 2011…

Hi. Just lounging about … you?

a list of tunes that struck my fancy a few years ago – nice to see I still like them. Of course, I’ve liked them for years and years, so there’s that – Sinead, Dire, U2, Crash Test, Love & Rockets.

Why do I return to the screen after these past weeks? Well, I had a bit of success, feeling all sorts of triumphant, thought I’d let the fingers go W I L D !!!!

hey I like this setup!

being able to help the ones you love dearly, especially when they are quite anxious over the challenge (in this instance, perhaps a password to a password manager had been forgotten, with the answer being locked in a second password manager. No, no idea what that password is either. Sigh.) … er, LastPass rocked by having a way to reset the password of a ‘functioning’ instance of their app. I’ll have to check into it to see if it’s done in a good and useful way. That it worked means Boo’s happier. That’s important.

juxtaposed

Still snapping pics happily – like the above. Beautiful interior for sale, have obedience to the word, full gospel church. As opposed to perhaps the not so beautiful interior, that’s not for sale, at a less than obedient word chooser at the half gospel church? Hmmm…

been pondering – as I tend to do – the times we’re living in, the times we’ve lived through, how time passes and how I’m having concerns as to how to respect the past, live in the present, and look to the future. You know, living life in other words. In other worlds? Hmmm…

In my blue room, U2 speaks of, I drift away.

‘Tis September once again, apparently my blog here was perused by 90 peeps on the 11th. Hell, I didn’t even visit here. Thought about it. Wanted to feel the surge of … emotion? Turmoil? Tumultuous chaos masquerading as importance. Instead, passing on even Patriot Day brownies, I moved furniture around to crush the inertia that had left me feeling uninspired and though I had John in the Morning to gently bump me along an anniversary no one wants to celebrate cracks showed up when I heard the local college station play This Year by our beloved John Darnielle/the Mountain Goats. It was unexpected and welcome and startling and caused me to cry. I truly hope if you recollected those terrible times past you were able to find comfort in your life today. Or at least a good song to shatter into a million razor edged pieces to. Shall we jump in with both feet into the deep end? if so, why?

A man runs past the 9/11 Empty Sky memorial at sunrise across from New York’s Lower Manhattan and One World Trade Center in Liberty State Park in Jersey City, New Jersey, on Sept. 11. (Gary Hershorn/Reuters)

Why … because it is important to remember. To recall what has changed since then. To perhaps realize we’ve been sheeple all along, and that is not good. Just perhaps. To make sure that when you watch Men In Black you’re caught off guard seeing the twin towers. And that’s good.

Didn’t mean the left turn towards past ruminations. I really just wanted to say hi, flex my fingers, and crow a bit about my success. Lift my head a bit, see the sunshine in the sky.

and lest you suffer with my word torture, let me offer you this:
Let us part the past and step through. Once; more.” Thanks Sars happy birthday Don.

May the days be sunny and nice for the many long days of your life, my friend.
ciao,

}S{ | dona nobis pacem |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

{{12:19a +13Sep2013=Friday, very early… || Sultans performed live by Dire & Clapton(!) }}