may be time to think about change

a family gathers, special day celebrated, what does a man think of it all? – coldbrook, 2003

A day after my father’s birthday – happy birthday dad! – I listen to a rocking version of Borderline and ponder how I’ve made it to this point. Pondering should be a job – I’d be awesome at it!

on the streets near my job, nature makes things pretty – May ’16, durhamtown

You ever have those weeks when lots happens? things get crammed into the days, so they seem full? Well as I look back, guess that isn’t really my situation – huh. But it has seemed a swell in general activity and energy – perhaps towards the holiday weekend, yes?

# # #
One more forever.
# # #
wow – … wow.
a story. by someone I don’t know. of a moment in time I’ve lived through. wow
// And you don’t have the strength to get into it.//

another photo, perhaps, so I don’t go down that particular rabbity hole, eh? –

durhamtown, the bull city. all growing up. may ’16

King’s is a good place to grab a burger from time to time, geer street beer garden across the way is s good place for meals and pints. Change in the last 9+ years has been amazing, and perhaps I can see where some places change down, some things change up, yes? I wonder what sammy my dad would enjoy at Kings.

Some things change slowly, over a long time, and they end up not where you’d like them to be. Other things change in an instant. Also not the way you’d like them to be. Catching the fact that the times they are a changing, and being conscious that you can’t stop that, but you can make headway towards where – in the end – you’d like it all to be, how you’d like it to play out – maybe that’s what I’m learning this chapter in my Book of Life.

Being able to say what I want – to know my dad better. Being able to understand I won’t always get what I want. Being ok with that change – from want to have, from desire to reality. Then – and perhaps this is key – then being able to move one step further along the path. Moving forward, in the ‘ever onward, sometimes forward’ mantra. Because that would be nice. Good. Moving forward towards where I want to be.

how nature can easily live with stark differences next to each other – not so we humans, who love our homogeneity! durhamtown, may ’16

I stop and smell the flowers. Well, snap pics of the flowers. I hold open the door for those who are close behind me. I take pride in my ability to motor to and fro. I served in the military. I love my father. I have no idea if this is all it’s supposed to be, and though everything has changed, it’s still me and the world I live in. I happen to find that, as I ponder things, somewhat fascinating.

ciao,

{10:29a + 26May2016 = Thur morn || KEXP plays The Flaming Lips
Borderline [With Stardeath And White Dwarfs] – because John is a god}

Months slip by, great times and good times and not such good times. Months fly by.

months become years, years become lifetimes. miss ya ma.

Great times I’ve had recently – the cuteness of the kids, the joy of framily gathering, the love of my sister hosting my soul for a very important thing. Flip phones & radio stations for life, eh Blood?

Not so good times – friends broken still, adults acting like entitled bullies, the complete loss of hope in the future for all of mankind – looking at you Pat Mc-Hatefilled-Shitbag.

taking stands so you can stand or sit as you please – april 16, Manbites Dog theater

Springtime this year has been an amazing never-ending parade of blossoms and growth and weather and awakening. Guess the potential issue is when you wake up and realize that your dream, as weird as it may have been, at least made some sense.

we’re so close to the ground, so close to the sky – into denver, april ’16

From the perspective that some things are working well in the US of A, and that there are places that aren’t quite up to speed, shouldn’t be anything that baffles me. I’ve from a small village in upstate New York, and I’ve lived in Los Angeles. I spent time overseas – I know when we fail at going with the best idea. “We” the people, as much as ‘we’ the individual peeps, often make bad decisions and then commit to them. Guess the challenge becomes how to get over/past the bad decisions, make good choices as FairyGodMother Claire might suggest, and get things to be better?

Really. I do. We use a very VERY long extension cord and a bicycle generator kit … – april 16 durhamtown

By thinking about what we do it seems we can get to where we want to be.
Problem is – and I think I’m just realizing this – is that when I envision ‘thinking about’ I envision listening and hearing someone from the LGBTQ community say ‘hey, this is a challenge, this could be the solution, no one suffers unduly’; what I never – never! – think of is the conversations that go ‘hey, fuck them. fuck them hard – can we get them to stop voting? can we get them to shoot each other? keep them away from my money and power!!’ – ’cause that’s just not how I process the world around me. ‘Causes me much distress when I catch myself going down me vs. them, us vs. them mentality path.
Not that I go for walks much down any paths anymore recently. Huh.

shadows on stairs – durhamtown – april 2016

I take photos though. Lots and lots of photos.
I look through/ don’t look through/ push a button/ capture the world/ look back on what I caught/ think I am doing something/ something with my time/ anything at all

Was an interesting weekend, with nice weather outside, and stormy weather inside. Conversations started nicely, but went no where.
So I go with grump, hopefully civil, and the weird feeling is that I rightly don’t care if anyone noticed or was upset or displeased. My funk is about me and my wants/needs hopes & dreams. No one elses, eh? So I felt my feels, and acted as I did. But is still sucks.

And so May has arrived, Mother’s Day has passed, today is the 3rd anniv of us saying ‘oh, fine, stay with us you lovable mutt you!’, and soon we’ll be attempting the Pop’s birthday, Memorial Day, Hanging Rock trifecta as June attacks. Wish us well.

hali so loves the sun – durhamtown – april 2016

{2:38p+9May2016=Monday afternoon | Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings sing “100 Days, 100 Nights” on Cheryl Waters’ KEXP afternoon show}

Ciao, March, ‘ello April … oddly, in March

if you look up are you falling down? 5/16 though pic is prob 4/16

ILANTT* – thoughts can be thought of as behaviors. And behavior can be modified. Ergo, thoughts can be modified.
ILANTTOD** – the phrase ‘automatic negative thoughts’ – and wow, talk about a label that I am now using.
Such as how when I see a police car, I’m no longer genially amused in the hokey, Adam-12 and CHiPS way.
I go to a much more dark, perhaps realistic, perhaps not their fault, place where I hate each and every one of them. It’s not pretty. It’s not what I think I should feel/think. But it’s where I end up. Reflexively, without thought – I slide down into the muck.

<Huh, I can leave this on the web w/out much additional crap, don’t you think? has not much to do with my escape to visit my sister, but certainly informs on my moods of late. Huh.>

*I Learned A New Thing Today; **I Learned A New Thing The Other Day;
{10:11a + 31Mar2016 = Thursday morn || KEXP’s John In the Morning spins Memory Tapes’ “Bicycle”}
<2:34p + 9May2016=Monday afternoon || KEXP plays in my right ear, my left the sounds of a quiet, very quiet office…>