on October nights, thoughts + music, memories wonderful and terrible

Canella, climber of moderate sized chairs// Lexhaus//LA//Nov 2004

We got to regale a new acquaintance the other night of the great stories surround Boo & I becoming honored guardians of our fur babies – Noel, thanks for listening – here’s our ‘old lady’ back in the day – waiting for a walk to Eddie’s to get some ham.

You have to have goals in life.

All Good Dogs, goes the song – at this point, they rested on the futon // Lexhaus// LA // Nov 2004

Here Canella, the back of Quincy, and Blue take a break for a wild and potentially hazardous day of laying about. You don’t want to be too stressed – that’s not good for you.

how lucky I was. how lucky I am. //Lexhaus//LA//Nov 2004

Dear lord the shit we’ve held onto – and all of that is distant memory. The fun and joy and love of Canella? Not so much memory as part of me. Her dual coats (shepard/corgie mix) – her distrust of taking baths – he bunny hops when happy about kibble time…

Canella in her east coast residency, taking in the greenery of Durhamtown // Hobbit House // Mar 2007

We have been wonderfully lucky, Boo & I. Our puppies have been good ones, who have taught us the joy of four-paw love. Taught us personalities are important, and unyielding. Taught me, I think, to listen in the quiet to the other – being mindful of someone else’s peacefulness.

Oh we’ve been lucky. Oh we’ve paid dearly for that…

sweeet sweet dreams, Canella girl – //Lexhaus//LA//Nov 2004

//tom petty sings about free falling, and I step into the abyss of the past, extend my arms, and … fall//

I truly hope that in your life you have many – but at least one – time where you heart and soul is lifted and loved by a kind pup. It leaves a mark, and that, I know now, is not a bad thing, no matter how terrible a thing it was.

May you have as much ham as you want, may you have comfy pillows where ever you lay.

[gonna leave this world for a while]


//10:28+25Oct2016 = Tuesday eve || 4 Non Blondes sing “Spaceman”//

Our time. Our lives. A mother’s love isn’t forgotten.

Recently I’ve had opportunity to fish for some memories, some recollections.
Seems, sadly (happily?) I’ve placed them in a safe place.
Which I’ll find soon enough I suspect.

Other thoughts, other recollections, other memories – they’re always at my fingertips, always available. I will say I’ve learned heartfelt gratitude in that they do not hurt nearly as much as they once did.

Be they the wonderful messages Ma would leave me to remind me to change my clocks (pretty sure she sang half of them), to the tone of her voice in September of 2001.
From her joy of having a new Saturn (they’d was it for her every time she took it in!!) to her joy of having a son on the radio (WCOM – LP FM, Carrboro, NC) – they are easy to find, they feel nice to remember.

My mom made me smile often and always. My mom had kindness and love.
Though I miss her dearly, it makes me happy to think of her from time to time.

Of the oddities in my life, I think they make her happy – I just don’t know.
Yet being loved, knowing love, I feel that I just may be correct.

She gifted me a love for music that has kept me sane. She raised my sisters to be wonderful loving family, and they’ve kept me sane. Thanks Mom. You’d love John’s ‘Mom Show’ – I just know it.

There are other memories that are still close, those remind me of the love we all received as we wept, as we stumbled in a daze. Such acts of kindness, of humanity – mom would have approved.

Miss ya ma.
Love you


:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

//11:54p+20Oct16 = Thursday evening || silence//

Mornings in October … ah October, you glorious bastard!

change in the sunlight, @ HH, 2016
“out of control” sings the boys from Dublin – 
I fought fate / There’s blood on the garden gate / The man said childhood / It’s in his childhood
One day I’ll die / The choice will not be mine / Will it be too late / You can’t fight it
I was of a feeling it was out of control / I had the opinion it was out of control”
Ha, well said good sir Bono, well said.
Watched all of 10 minutes of the debate last night.
Talked to blood earlier – nice to hear her voice.
Noticed as I went to bed that dates are here, once more.
Ah, the life of the guy with the dates …
still life of branches and clouds, @ HH, 2016
I’m so very full of thoughts and emotions.
I’ve been a bear, a bear covered in quills, a bear covered in quills on an ant hill, caught in a trap, furiously attempting to control my frustrations.
I suspect all of that is not missed by those close.
I suspect all of this is – though understandable, rational – quite the pile of misery for Boo and friends and framily.
ha – at least I’ve let fuckyouoctober.com go. There’s that, right?
sunlight and shadows, moments before hate & bullying win, @ DCCH, 2015
how to mix hate and sadness and love and frustration and hopefulness and hopelessness?
how to handle yet another 10th month, where chaos typhoons flail all that stand still, all who poke their heads up to see what’s what, where they are, where they want to be? 
//Down in It by Nine Inch Nails from the album Pretty Hate Machine//
“I was up above it” – oh yes, Trent, I believe that at one point I was clear where I stood, where I was. Never so sure about where I was going, but at least where I stood.
That, sadly, has gone with the wind.
When I see the effect that sanctioned, authorized bullying has on the lives of friends; how the ‘rules’ and ‘law’ are just really words, not even fuzzy ideas – money rules. Period.
I feel sad that I’m too weak to take the high road.
I feel bad that my grip is tight and unyielding on the bad actions and bad actors in the recent act of my life. Is that me paying attention? is that me giving in?
with certitude I sat and waited. see what a foolish man I was. @ DCCH, 2015
I listen to music, I write words, I am here now – I know what’s coming, I know what I’ll feel. 
I’m not sure what’s going to happen, and I haven’t let myself feel that unlit corner of the room I’m in at the moment – I know there’s a trap door over there, I also know there’s a doorway – I just … haven’t gazed into that chamber.
“It’s not symbolic, it’s just human nature” – from “Times To Die” by Car Seat Headrest from the album Teens of Style; “we’ve all had better times”
So, how do we go forward from here? Ever Onward, sometimes Forward, eh?
I guess by taking one breath, then another. Repeat as necessary.
//10:08 + 20Oct2016 = Thursday morning || John plays “(We Used to Feel) Higher” by Little Children from the album f.f//