on a Tuesday evening, oddly in June

find a place to center yourself

Gutenberg, from which a lot of Truth, a lot of happiness, lies & pain.

what if something different was discovered – mockingbirds that were recorders, butterflies that changed into images with a magic saying. what would our lives be like.

::s::

a significant occurance – oddly in november

hyper realistic skies over durhamtown – ~november ’18, durhamtown (duh)

an important, crucial, serious occurrence. If there was a plan I’d go so far as to say “a change in plans” – alas,  without said plan sadly, that’s not to be.

It was a bit of a grey day today – rainy, chilly now that fall has arrived. The day lived up to most every expectation unfortunately. At least it wasn’t the nicest day of the year, eh?

a town in flux – ~nov. ’18, central park durhamtown

I hate being elusive in my posts – isn’t that what we use VagueBook for?
I only type tonight because it’s a thearputic outlet. I like having my brain make words that – on occasion – happen to capture my feelings, my thoughts and ponderings. I moment of my life, noted. Say, so you can recall what was occuring 2, 6, 10 years past. Embrace the grimace, acknowledge that if you life long enough every day will be ‘a day’ – just some are much better than others.

Today wasn’t really tough – not really a challenge.
but today marks a significant date, and I hope we will look back years from now and see how far we’ve come. From the baseline of now, to the heights and depths of then. Wish us luck, eh?

fall sunset over durhamtown – nov. ’18

ciao,

//9:44p+13November2018= Tuesday eve || the sound of the house, keyboard clicking, boy having a little cry, puppy on the couch in sweater (the sound of joy) and my inner howling, hoping to not awake alicia as she slumbers//

I looked for a name…

of human endeavors, of looking to the heavens – durhamtown, Oct ’18

Pittsburgh. Synagogue. Couldn’t recall their level of faith.
Google took me to words written, a description of the life after – ‘retrofitting a hundred-year-old Victorian house in Pittsburgh’s East End’
Google ‘pittsburgh east end‘ – see that it’s a few places in town (wonder if the tree-house apartment, from where a short jaunt to a ceremony in New Hampshire started and ended)  – damn, close to Squirrel Hill. damn.
More googlin’ because … because why? I certainly didn’t want to be associated, aquainted with such pain and horror. Others in my life had strange qualities of ‘being there’ for the worst of our recent-memory atrocities; at the time it was surprising, now I see it as concerning.
No.
As much as I know more of myself now than I did then my sincere hope has always been to be a good person, and as such I ponder those folk I’ve known, I ponder their welfare and hope – hope all is well.
Google allows an amount of knowledge which isn’t good – but I see – a sigh of releif – I see the current arc of their life is not in western Pennsylvania. I am okay with that, with the prying to find out… still, I will look at the names, worried that the good people I had met might have been in harms way.

they were not.

At times I feel like a simple and small man. Raised with minor challenges mostly of my own device. Loved and supported when I probably should have been allowed to flounder, suffer a bit.
I feel great … something (bet there’s a great Yiddish phrase) – ignorance which was not a bad thing to have – for I was not raised to fear those different than myself; be it a heartfelt lesson given from the heart from my parents and family, or … well, perhaps the side effect of chocolate covered sugar bombs and lots of Saturday morning cartoons.

The church with the funny christmas lights out front on Gennesee street, just down from the New Hartford town line. The lights were straight across – sometimes only one was lit – how odd.

How odd. That was the sum total of the judgement I brought to the situation – I noticed, I pondered compared to my world, and thought ‘perhaps the bulbs had burned out’.

See – ignorance. Massive. But … not ill-minded, not with malice. Just – I didn’t know.
Even after Pat and Lisa and Jonathan, all of the Island, such strong examples – I wonder what they thought of my bumpkin-ness. Jonathan was always given cab fare to get home; we didn’t have cabs (of course we did, I just rode my bicycle everywhere); Jonathan had two kitchens in his home and if I recall would occasionally bury the silverware – I didn’t know, I didn’t ask (that perhaps is the one true fallacy of my benevolent ignorance) – it seems odd, but then again – they went to movies where they threw rice & toilet paper – such wild and seemingly crazy differences between the city and Upstate, eh?

I laugh a little at the fondness the Tribe has had for me – truly they were overly kind, are overly kind. I am not the best example, but my heart is true, my ignorance merely an offshoot of my laziness. Apparently I was good enough. The Tribe has always been welcoming. It made the hatred expressed seem so … woefully ignorant.

these paragraphs above are about me.
I don’t have the words for how Boo has been hurt.
I don’t have the thoughts for how my life, now as a parent, is under duress. Good madam Lis made a post that punched me in my heart. I am extremely lucky, privelaged, untouched by the madness of cultural animosity merely by chance.
My son – merely by chance – will see the world through a different lens, he will see the hatred of strangers directed at him and his because … ?
I understand the concepts, I understand the ‘situation’ – but I am not talented enough to be able to speak to what this means. I hope I can learn enough to be helpful someday. It hurts my mind to start down the road of ‘we exist, yet there are those who not merely want us not to exist, but take actions to bring that to fruition’ – just what the fuck, where to start?
How to speak to it and yet still hold out hope for a better future? A better world?

I looked for a name, and was sadly happy when it was not on the list.
The list is small, but the names – the people on the list, they seem to have been mighty.
Much better words and stories have been made in these last 48 hours – if you’re here go read them.
One speaks of good sir Fred – how he lived in the same neighborhood – how the Tree of Life was part of his neighborhood, and how a wonderful example of such a good neighborhood to have. That one hurt to read.
A post about his doctor, who had compassion to go with his knowledge, who cared – and was able to save the man’s life during a time in America when his life wasn’t valued in the least.

Much better words.

it’s nature’s path to create gems and jewels from intense pressure, right?  perhaps Rumbly there will be a shimmering stone from this time which can be held up to shine light into the darkness of small men’s hearts.

 

/3:22p+28Oct2018=sunday afternoon || the hum of laptop fan, clackityclack of the keyboard, the gentle breathing of Boo on the settee, and sunlight dappling through the leafs//

odd how even in august I can’t put together a string…

the clear blue sky above my head – eek! – aug ’18, hobbit house
I’m sorry I haven’t spoken with you lately friend.
//do I leave what I wrote below? do I share? do I  hide it out of …
the clear blue sky… well. pretty, eh? – aug’18, durhamtown
this is typed after the crafted heap of steamin’ below – it’s when I’m coming down from the engagement, the feeling of cold white heat of focus fading… room temperature returning. Why on earth would I put this out?  gah – damned if you do damned if you don’t eh?
the clear .. ah what the hell. the skies are not necissarily clear and blue, if you haven’t noticed. aug’18 durhamtown
hmmmm…. is it catharsis that I spill and don’t want to show the mess? is it my sense of decorum? is it my shame? or is it guilt? there was a discussion of those two feels in a book I was reading the other week. sigh.
how about one more pic, and then you can move onto something … else.
below us only the entire world, hidden from our senses – aug ’18, chapelhilltown
I’d tell you over the phone but I’d rather maintain the artifice of doing alright,  making it through – you don’t want to hear the despair in my voice, the truthful description of how much I loath myself and fear for the near/permanent future, do you?
I’m in a hate spiral because as much as I have the ONLY reason to change my life – have you seen my kid? he’s kinda cute – I’ve only maintained. and it turns out I’m maintaining a sinking into oblivion/abyss/hopelessness.
Thankfully it’s compounded by my love who is herself deep into self-torture, doubting all the choices made, like myself. angry at the inaction of her spouse, like myself. frustrated and depressed and lost.
All the while having these super-nova-esque interactions with Rumbly that leaves me/her/us in awe.
Forget who railed, comedicaly, on the loss of our adjectives – “dude, this sandwich is awesome!” means perhaps watching a solar eclipse while holding your 6mo is … just as awesome? As awesome as a BOGO on that sammy? Hmmm…

But – I digress. I choose to change the subject – let’s laugh at something that is – I hope, I’m pretty sure – intrinsically funny/ironic/amusing. Awesome – what should we hold out for when using that phrase? Parker & Otis’ (fancy words for grilled ham & cheese – pretty sure two of the words are French) sammy was – in my opinion – the best damn sandwich I’ve ever had. I offer that opinion after having it twice – once could be luck, twice confirmed my suspicion that I had actually had the best meal in hand in my life. It was awe-inspiringly good.

But my kid – oh, my kid.
I don’t speak or share much of his wonderfulness do I?
I wish I was better at that – it’s near the top of an impossibly long list of things I wish I was better at.
ha – the reason I am here writing this is because I looked at the calendar behind Rumbly’s head this morning and noted that, as I had poured my heart and soul into being the ‘keeper of the dates’ I’ve let that go. happy anniv M&J-A – I was gonna find a pic of the balloon over the mountain and say how much I’m happy thinking of the love you two have, and that the two wee ones are going to be amazing people if only for the love they are being raised in. 
I mean – it’s what I truly think – I’m happy for you, I’m happy to be in the sphere of y’alls life and love. & I couldn’t put in the 15 minutes to accomplish that. I was distracted by a YouTube series on a young teleporting teenager in upstate new york (impulse, iyc) – and almost every other moment I hated on myself since I wasn’t doing what need to be done.
Get a job. Pay my bills. Figure out going forward in a secure manner.

Oh, it was also my mother-in-law’s birthday yesterday. Pretty sure Ed’s too.
and all I can do is bob among the flotsam and jetsam of this marsh I’ve wandered into.

fuck.

I need help. That is clearly obvious to anyone who glances my way.
But I’m not good at asking or taking help – note the ‘why bother the kind wonderful peeps who’ve somehow befriended me? we’ll talk in generalities, in pleasantries… it’s the nice thing to do’ – there’s a few psychological notes on why I find myself in this pickle. Overly-conscientious was the phrase that intro’d me into a critical assessment of my ‘niceness’ – thank goodness I jumped on that challenge in my teens, right? would hate to make it far into life with a somewhat skewed moral compass. But alas, we don’t always get to see where we’re going until we get there.

and here I am.
which would be totally fine.
Except for him. He’s soooo cool.
He’s uninsured.
His birth hasn’t been payed down at all.
He’s gonna be 18mo in a bit.
what the fuck am I doing?

hey – if you’ve read this far and have an answer to that let me know, ok?
If you have a lead on employment that pays big cash and requires upto and including moving dead bodies, let me know, alright?
I’m sorry you’re reading this. It’s not ‘nice’. It’s not ‘good’. It’s really really shitty, but for some god damn reason I hold onto these boulders of shit with all my might and I don’t know why, I don’t know how to let go without running away (for those longtime audience members y’all may remember on how well I do that, eh?)
fuck
fuck
fuck
I listen often to a good sir John, a DJ at the small community station keXp in seattle-town.
He often reminds people that “you are not alone” – that is a truth that I whole-heartedly support. whole heartedly believe.
but…
here’s the thing.
in the dark, in the deep deep cruel corners of your mind that the yappy dogs drag you back to at 3 in the morning – then – we’re all alone. Well, we’re in the company of some very very shitty people, oddly people you do and don’t know.
but alone.
and it’s a struggle – I don’t recall the veracity of this fight in my youth – I recall the company of my demons, but alas…
well, if we had a time machine eh? boy howdy would things be differently the same, I suspect.
Ok.
well, glad I got this off my chest.
rumbly leans against the wall/fencing of his octo-crib here in the living room.
it’s not where I want him to be.
hell – I still don’t know why I’m allowed to have him in my life.
//9:22a & john offers PJ’s ‘we float’ as part of the soundtrack to the universe – ever notice the lyrics are about YOU right NOW?? amazing!//
ciao,
//8:57a+29Aug2018 = Wednesday morn || the pleasing narrator & cast of the adventures of young ms. S. and her sassy waterfowl!||

oddly near the end of August surprises abound

cloudy skies, blank walls, light traffic – au ’18, durhamtown

What exactly is it that I want to write here?
What exactly is it that I think I have to write about?
“write every day, speak every week” – good advice, but with out a goal I tend to wander

So, it seems like the leadership of our country is not the sterling example of what makes america great, is it? woot rule of law and some such. What’s that? saving your own hide? sure, whatever makes the world a better place.

a place to be, pretty skies – aug ’18, durhamtown

well shit.
from the show Banshee that’s eating my time the comment ‘do people really change? we evolve, trying to become better versions of ourselves, right?’ – that’s a good way of looking at things.

best of luck with our evolution, friends, family and passer-bys – at least the sky is blue from time to time.
Oh – Silencing Sam – that was a pretty good thing. so woot!

Ciao,

//1:36a+22Aug2018=early Wednesday morn || the howls of fans – but not in the good way//

even in August piano covers sound wonderful

why oh why won’t the universe give me a sign!!!???? – aug ’18, durhamtown

begin. again.
Hi. How are you doing? Good I hope. You’re looking good – summer treating you well? Yeah – time away from the grind helps a lot.
Me? Oh, you know, the same ol’ same ol’…
For me that means I’m rinsing & repeating the process I’ve dedicated myself to for these past 16 months. Funny how easy it is to focus on another when they are helpless.

Tonight I watched as he used his very own hands to feed himself a baby-safe ‘mac’ n’ cheese’ concoction – Boo thinks there were rice puffs involved.
What I took away from the event was that we both need to have an alternate clothing option lined up while he accomplishes his awesomeness. Perhaps I’ll start looking at ‘All-Hawaian All the Time’ wardrobe choices. He was kinda really happy about feeding himself – he used a spoon, then he used his hands. Oh the smile. Oh the mess.

||”Teardrop” by alexey nosov, guitar cover||

clouds float in, clouds float out – aug ’18, hobbit house

so, why are we here? No, not the big ‘why do we exist?’ – the much more mundane ‘so, blogger, Scott’s words – are you living your best life?’
As good ms. Clare tells us – “Make Good Choices”

I have for as long as I recall believed I shouldn’t burden others.
the above – (where I’m essentially trying not to burden myself?) – perfect example.
Let us discuss pleasantries. Let us discuss something good – or at least as good as it is right now.
That kid, I tell ya.

He deserves a great life. He really does.

clouds float … oh my. oh my. aug ’18, durhamtown

Boo & I currently watch YouTube videos from various “Makers” during our meal time at night. There’s a few we’ve enjoyed for a while – Alec Steele, he makes swords; Laura – she’s German and has a cute pup; Four Eyes – he makes furniture; The SlowMo guys – they break things.

The joy of a connected and “Big Data’d” world is that we get suggestions from The Algorithm – and that can certainly eat into your evening hours. Tonight post-pizza slices we were entertained by a metalworking gent from over Britain way (maybe Scotland?) who was making the DragonSlayer sword from some anime/manga world (as you do, you know) – his personality as presented was wonderfully different than Alec’s, or the pirate-dude metalworker. Two points here – a) always impressed with others who can be honest with themselves and others, and #2 – do I ever get close to that truth? I am just not sure – I believe I do, and I know I don’t (oh whatever is on Scott’s mind I doubt anyone wonders)… suspect it’s a facet of confidence that allows one to just be themselves. Minor concern is that I might not see who I show myself as. Hmmm…

Ok – piano covers are lovely. YouTube will give you a collection of not only Josh’s but all sorts of good and bad, lovely and horrible covers performed by the talented and untalented alike.

Will you do one thing for me? Take care of each other. 

Perhaps if I can organize my thoughts/notes I can put a list of ‘things scott was distracted by this week’ kinda of podcast. ‘Cause if nothing else I can make lists!

Be good to yourself. Be good to others.

ciao,

//9:27p+20Aug2018=Monday eve || Piano covers by Josh Cohen – Beck “Morning”, Bowie “Space Oddity”//

even in August there’s the feeling of beginning

dawn’s … well, early isn’t it, really – layabout light, aug ’18, hobbithouse

the beginning of honest acknowledgement that there are problems to be dealt with.
the beginning of ‘but it’s now, and the future. Nothing about before really truly matters’
the beginning of answering tough questions with brutally clear answers – what is it that I want.
the beginning of growth can be a beautiful thing.
how about you?
at what beginning point are you?

the beginning of the 21 Century, Boston, not sober, not drunk enough – ~Jan ’00

ha ha ha – I speak of beginnings, and dive way way back. funny how habits seem to keep you doing things you’d rather not.

There was an inquiry the other day about me and feeling joy.
I responded, in complete honest, “every day I start with a feeling of joy”

Ode to joy, and cheerios. Aug ’18, Hobbit House

perhaps the tool I shall utilize more frequently will be the mindfulness instruction to ‘begin again’ – why is it I’ve learned to hold on so fucking tightly to the past? pretty sure there’s a song by the mountain goats that illustrates that habit in an awesome way…

“We show great loyalty to the hard times we’ve been through/ We are filled with riches and wonders/ Our love keeps the things it finds…”

+++

+++
trying to figure out how to count, how to maintain, is this 002? or 0002? or 2?
If only I could hear myself reassure me that “it doesn’t matter in the least”

Remember the other month when I shared the kindnesses that Ed & Jeff shared with not only myself but with durhamtown?
‘Take care of each other, ok?”
still good advice.

ciao,

//7:06p + 18Aug2018= Saturday evening || the howling fan of a MacBook Air doing some media encoding!!! (and the echoes of ‘Hook’, Blues Travelers studio recording, played to entertain the wee lad during the mushing hour)//

even in August, quiet nights fly by so quickly

other-worldly coloration, but it looks sooooo soft – Aug ’18, durhamtown

‘write every day. give a speech, make a podcast every week’ – hmmm… well that’s a good idea, eh?

bright beautiful western light, a play room with the best toy ever – a cardboard box! – aug ’18, hobbit house

I have ideas. Have always had ideas – remember the converted semi that would go from town to town in rural Kentuky and – with some kinda magic – allow the kids to a) hear music from all over, and b) make a personalized compact disc!!! I blame UTK’s left of the dial station with introducing me to social d & hank rollins – and my sensible heart worried that there were people unable to have the awakening I had. things must be done! … sigh.

Ideas.
Dreams.
It is quite depressing, however, to pull my head out of the clouds, attack my daydreaming habits, and face the cruel reality that my choices haven’t placed me where I need to be.
I’m faced with what should be a terrifying cliff, a fall into the abyss, and all I seem capable of acting upon is my blather, my perusal of all the world has to show – not action, not planning to act, mere acknowledgement that there’s a problem. and I continue on my merry way.
I fear there might be a problem with that instinctual maneuvering. Wish me luck.

sometimes I think I have a skill / ability with taking photographs – most of the time I don’t – hobbit house, jul ’12

As the nights fly by, as I drag my attention from all those moments behind me, try to see what it is that I want to build – what I want from the future, I have pangs of hope.

I can build on that. 
‘write once a day. speak once a week’ – ok. One down, one to go.
Here’s to a marvelous future.
ciao,

//11:43p + 16Aug2018= thursday eve || of gardening hopes and dream, fueled by .white .hats, and the resonating echoes of an angel returned to heaven//

because even in August I want to be helpful!

So, in my trek there was discussion that theoretically was in my sphere of knowledge – 4-wheel-drive vans. I am fairly sure I wasn’t as expressive as I could have been, but in my defense “sleep dep” can be fun, it can be futile.

Ok, B&C – this is what I meant to be discussing.
Sportsmobile vans are the ones I whang-jangled describing. I was correct – Ford Eco-line vans turned into off-road applicable chariots. Essentially Jeeps for families, kinda.

Here’s a picture –

(c) https://sportsmobile.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/van-smb-classic-4×4-cutaway-04.jpg – pardon my borrowing ::scott::

Of course then we spoke of a PA conversion company – found them here – Quigley which has the Ford Transit conversions I believe B. was speaking too – warranty honored and such.

A picture –

(c) http://www.quigley4x4.com/Portals/0/Images/Home%20Rotator%20Backgrounds/RedTransitHero.jpg?ver=2015-09-28-111451-033 – pardon my borrowing ::scott::

So, yes – you can get what you want. All it takes is money.

sportsmobile vans are availalbe for rent – here – with a $2500 weekly rate as of Aug 2018.

http://tontotrails.com/rates/

Also here – with specials that sound great, if you have the time and money.

http://www.campervannorthamerica.com/specials.shtml

One last place – here – has these sort of rates –

https://checkout.wheelbasepro.com/reserve?owner_id=2180

And I even found the ‘previously loved’ page at Sportsmobile! – this is the Fresno site:

(c) https://sportsmobile.com/inventory/cars-for-sale/1998-ford-rb-e350-diesel-4×4/ – pardon my borrowing ::scott::

here’s where I mentioned that this avenue is ‘pricey’ – above is a 1998 ford diesel, 150+K miles, will sleep 4! – asking $45,000.

Quigley’s ad $~13K to up-grade a van to 4×4; with vans running ~45K new – tada! money well spent.

All of that said it is an option; this limited info was from a decent 45 mins of google-fu working off of my recollections and your hints.

I think for your upcoming voyage the F150 seems to suggest up to 20 city/25 highway; similar for the Tacoma; a Transit 150 runs 15/19!! (well, it is a cube) – the web says your ToyVan should be about 20 combined, so…

Wish I was more successful in the ‘there’s got to be a Unicorn setup company here somewhere’ – but I didn’t stumble upon it.

huh – poked the chevy colorado (Tacoma competitor) and it claims 20+/ up to 35 highway!! I  know they have a diesel in the mix (Toyota doesn’t) so there’s that.

Okie dokie – here’s to dreams and the pursuit of them!

ciao,
:: s :: | Respice ad diem hanc |

//9:42p + 2 Aug 2018 = Thursday eve | the whirring, clicking, spinning and clacking of neurons in full repast!//