sometimes…

Current Music:”Love you till the End” by The Pogues
my feelings flow through my veins, pumped out of my heart, pushing the tears past my eyes… a somber, sober realization that love is truly what it is all about – and everything – EVERYTHING ELSE – is just so much rubbish.

what a glorious life it would be to live motivated by love

+++
love you til the end.
Boo has my heart and my hope, and I believe that’s where things are the most precarious. my hope. the dreariness of the day to day rut should, by all means, scare me to death. I ponder what I’ve done over the last {fill in any amount of time you’d like} – it’s been not much, and sorely not enough. But… there’s always a but – but I feel like it’s the most important thing in my life to do right, to make her smile, to help her see that there is so much waiting for her. In that effort I miss my chance to see clearly the amount that is waiting for me, too.

t.com, remember?

“I love you til the end”… forget where this little ditty was played in which movie – but it nails the sentiment. It fills me with the blinding light of hope, where there is nothing – NOTHING – to worry about, nothing that will stop us.

but the crappy truth is that everything seems out to stop us, and that’s pathetic. the crap which infests and infiltrates the lives we slog through – why? Why Boo?

Well, tis our own choices that place us where we are – Adam had a great point in that we do exactly what we want. I’ve got to start doing something about the choices I’ve settled for… and to get going.

:+s+:
dona nobis pacem

Twenty years ago today…

Current Mood:contemplative
westbound in Marcy, WOUR on the radio in the Nova. Just picked up a paycheck from Bray Terminals – was heading down to Binghamton to visit Lisa K at SUNY.

“Ground control to Major Tom…”

a bump into a car getting on the arterial south, in Blood’s malibu. Later I back into a no parking sign.

We get home and there’s a note – shari had given birth… welcome, JD.

20 years ago…

:+s+:
dona nobis pacem

57 degrees…

Current Mood:good
Current Music:criminal
on my ride back from SMC… hit the counselors offices – and now I know that I need to figure out what I want to do, where I want to do it, and then complete my classes… that’s all.

I cheated a bit tonight, and I’m torn as to the effects to my hard core cautious rebel approach to motobikin’!
I listened to NPR in my left ear. Egad!
My right ear was the usual multi-colored foam ear plug!

But to be able to be distracted ever so gently while I ran the “3 blocks is too much” corridor of doom on Pico, well that was the nicest thing ever. I learned a bit about how the LA Mayor claims to be helping the homeless – by cutting the budget! Also heard about the Governator’s “Million Solar Roof” initiative, and the minor issues, like the $30,000 investment won’t even make back simple interest for years.

But did I pay as much attention to traffic as I should have? Was the calming effect more worthwhile then the typical frustrations I suffer while in LA traffic? Don’t know… but I may try it again and keep an internal eye out for any lowering of my SitAware status.

caio,
:+s+:
dona nobis pacem

Past few days…

soft as a downy chick… our Canela after a bath. I’ve spent too much time lounging about today, but just spent the better part of three hours with Canela nestled in the nook of my arm in bed. she’s sooooo soft!!

Who I am? I grew up where going out at night wasn’t too awfully exciting, nor dangerous (at least in the township); my mom always said ‘nothing happens in the dark that doesn’t happen in the light’, implying that there’s no reason to be out at night. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t find the quiet and peace of a nice nighttime walk/bike/drive worth the lost sleep. I ponder this because, sadly, being back in Hollywierd, nighttime brings out strange animals, and stranger folks.

I’m in this perfect clothing place – my brown cargo pants are so right, along with a long sleeve (my HHN 15 shirt) with my abercrombie on inside out on top, with my winter boots slipped on – it’s perfect. don’t know how to describe it any better.


wow – wrote these maybe on Sunday… and now it’s 76 degrees in side, so any pants are too long. Dogs are still downy soft.

Caught the SNL from the 17th of December – jack black as host and Neil young as musical guest – quite fantastic, and as per SNL rules, some fairly lame shit in there too.

Parralax View, an early 70s Beatty movie – kinda Manchurian Candidate like – somewhat cool.

ok… not much, but again, a little each day, right?
Plenty of pics up over at ttocsland.com/pics  — such as our recent visit to The Getty with friends

ciao,
:+s+:
dona nobis pacem

divine intervention

January 20th, 2006
Current Mood:thoughtful
Current Music:divine intervention // matthew sweet
‘one day my life is filled with joy//
and then we finally disagree’

I like the fact that I wrote quite a bit the other day. I like that I made points and had semi-full concepts nailed.

Why are the hypocritical-Christians destroying my country?
Why are the …

no – why are are bad questions…
How can I… that’s a better question.
Will you help… is another good question.

so do I leave? it’s gotten a tad difficult – I don’t see how we’re gonna pull this one off – but I’m not willing to give up. My country damn it – I fought for it… just didn’t realize I’d have to fight every day of every year… to make it better. I thought progress came with the passage of time. How sad I am to realize that’s a misconception.

I’ve spent some time over at Morgan Spurlock’s blog – Morgan’s Blog – I like how he writes. I like that his life turned around for him, and that he’s used his efforts to make a difference. Hopefully I can also focus a bit this year and make a difference.

Went for a stroll with Boo to pick up some dinner tonight – very breezy, kinda chilly – was great to be out in ‘weather’.

Hmmm… nothing solid here tonight. Huh… guess I’ll keep trying.

ciao,
:+s+:

Yesterday… part II

Current Mood:restless
Current Music:Love Removal Machine – The Cult

besides the truly troubling images, I also got to see most of SuperSize Me – that wily Morgan Spurlock – he’s all crazy and shit. 30 days of McD’s is bad for ya – how about 30 years? Turned his liver into patte – wow.

He mentioned the joyous feelings when he ate – and the doctors said “addiction”. Whoa… I know I use food as a distraction from my boredom. I should take the Blue for a long walk, but instead I watch some tv and eat something.

From supersize me, I then ended up watching The Boondocks episode titled “Return of the King” – I do believe I’ll have to burn that to VCD. Uh, the premise is that Dr. King wasn’t slain in April 1968, but ended up in a coma. 30 years later, he comes to. Then has to live in the world that he, partially, made possible. Whoa… truly thought provoking, and sadly, depressing.

Wait – that’s it – he was a leader of men. He had the power of righteousness on his side. I tried to ponder who he’d be to the typical caucasian/WASP community that I’m from – JFK was the only name that jumped up – ‘Ask not what the country can do for you, but what you can do for you country’ is at least on par with ‘I have a dream’…

Today we’re missing that level of statesmanship – hell, Jimmy Carter on the Daily Show is what we need; I’d even take Clinton back, but I’m sure I’m lowering my standards just from comparison.

So, I’m aware now that I’m addicted to fast food, and that the American societal landscape still has barren and desolate pockets – truly not living up to the ‘Land of the free, home of the brave’ sentiment of our theme song.

To wrap up yesterday’s input, I caught the Daily Show with L. Paul “Jerry” Bremmer III interview. Pretty good – again, I’m appalled that the big plan we went to war with ended up with someone who had never been to Iraq getting 3 weeks to prepare to run the place for a year, but hey – nothing’s perfect, right? Right – hee hee hee – that’s funny.

And so, with daylight helping my mood, I sit hear listening to my music, wondering about my place in America, and in the world. George Bush is a dangerous man – he’s placed himself above the law, and though we’ll never know the names of the person/people at No Such Agency who blew the whistle on him, I do note that there’s not a peep of impeachment talk – and as noted in the last post – how many years in are we gonna put up with it? For what, I ask you? Stabilized region? Ha ha ha … good  – that’s rich.

What can one man do? One clueless man…

dream, I guess.

:+s+:

Yesterday…

Current Mood:contemplative – pissed off
Current Music:Fisherman’s Blues – the waterboys

gave me a good deal of thought provoking input. Made me a bit uncomfortable in my comfortableness. Made me stop and think.

From my various surfing spots in the morning I ended up over at Cryptome, a sight that has a mission statement that includes: “Cryptome welcomes documents for publication that are prohibited by governments worldwide…”

A cool site for people who used to get much better access to cool info. Rummy has a nice place in DC.

There is a link there –
BSV                  Baghdad Sniper Video (24MB)                      January 11, 2006
It’s a haunting montage of sniper shots (kills?) from Baghdad, as committed on US/Allied servicemen.

Uh. I’m not even sure how to put a warning here – DON’T GO THERE. How’s that? If you have a concept that the war ‘over there’ is a good thing, that we’re ready to see it through, don’t go there. If you like your Fox-fed, red white and blue patriotic belief that we’re in control over there, don’t go see the video. If you think it’s a fucked up quagmire with not enough politician’s children in the midst of the firefight, well then – go take a look see. it’s not nice, I’ll warn ya. It’s not from Bruckheimer and friends – not a Halo II game.

Don’t go there if you think we’ve learned anything in the last 30 years. Don’t go there if you don’t want your world-view rocked.

I went there. I’m left with visions of death. One moment, young uniformed people doing what they are doing, the next – crumpled at the back of their HUMVEE. Not flailing around, not blown out of their shoes, no head exploding, blood dripping carnage. They’ve gone to sleep. They fall over. They’re dead. No reset button, no “next life” option – gone.

There’s also a link to the actual pictures and names of the people who are dieing for us right now – today. Cryptome’s like that – get your info, make your own decisions. Just like when I saw Black Hawk Down, I’m left wondering why they go, why they put themselves in harms way for us – we’re entirely too ungrateful for that level of service.

Why…
Ha! I used to scream that at the top of my lungs, thinking that someone would a) answer me, and b) answer my question. Well, I guess I was gonna ponder why we haven’t seen anything remotely like that on TV; of course I only watch TV when I’m in Upstate, since they don’t have TiVo, nor do they have 256 channels to distract me. So, it’s a large part my fault – I distract myself as much as possible, cause thinking about the stupidity of MY country’s actions at the moment (or over the past 30 years) makes me mad. Makes me realize it’s a game that has been fixed for too many years by people who, it seems to me, have perfected the game. Answer me this – currently – this week – old people are not getting the medicines they NEED because the government re-distributed the Medicare/Medicaid dole, and now – January, people – one of the more pleasant months in our society – old people are going without their meds because they’re suddenly no longer covered. They asked old people to do math, to gamble on what may or may not be covered (say, pills that are, but breathing puffers that aren’t – that makes sense…) – and now that old people are running into the bullshit the politicos created, I hear the head politico speak of how ‘change is a chance to make things better, even though some things may pose a challenge. We’ll fix it state by state, pharmacy by pharmacy, prescription by prescription’ – but go ahead and look at the politico’s drug benny plan – they have no worries. Fuck them and the high horse they rode in on !

So, let’s see – young ones being killed in a foreign land – check. Old ones who aren’t being frozen to death by the loving and caring de-regulated energy companies are being forced to choose between life giving medicine and … er… life? Food and heat? So what’s going on in the middle? Oh that’s right – aren’t we the ones who get to pay the bills? Tax cuts for the top level folks – check. I keep noticing the degradation of ‘customer service’ – appliance manufacturers who now offer a one year warranty, down from 3/5 years just a few years ago. Is that so that they can make money on extended warranties? Or are they cheaping out on the production process in the first place? Arrrggghhh!!!!!

A big epiphany for me the other day is the cluelessness I’m steeped in. Clueless in my youth. Clueless in my adulthood. Is it a protective measure? I don’t know… other than it’s upsetting me. But as I reach out to lift the drapes from my consciousness, I’m shocked and angered and left feeling like there is no hope – nothing to do that makes a damn bit of difference. Does the fact that I think of two Americans who gave their lives for us – for me – does that make a damn bit of difference? I doubt it – for me, of course, but for anyone else? Ha! Please…

In a few weeks, they’ll hold the Oscars once again – back to the month of March, I see. Has it been 2003… 2004… 2005…2006 – wow – too many years. I was in a tent registering people when we went to war. The ride to the show we drove past protesters. Live has moved on. Where’s my moral indignation at a George Bush who took us to war by lying to us. Through deception – 2500 lives officially – hundreds of thousands if you include the people of the country we invaded. Nice work America. Hey – any politician’s children at war yet? No? Way to go America – way to fight ‘their’ war! Weeeee…. gotts to go fill my gas tank with that sweet sweet crude – how much is it a barrel this week?

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(oh – that’s pithy Wallace – smart and to the point – people will be saying ‘hey – remember when wallace nailed it with the aaarrrrrggghhh!!! thing? Way to go!’)

whatever the fuck….
:+s+:

Friday the 13th

January 13th, 2006
Current Mood:good
Current Music:”Gear Daddies I Wanna Drive The Zamboni”
Succeeded in putting together my sis’ Gallery of pics from her summer trip.

Shall now go to work on my own!

Ever feel on the edge of doing something big? I feel it – just can’t see it yet… hopefully it’ll be amazing.

Feel completely settled in now- just in time for weather to show up – though I suspect I just may stand out in the rain and raise my hands to the heavens while I shout – come on – it’s not 5 degrees out – I won’t get hypothermia. Of course I picked up my snowy boots and realized they’ll be sitting in the living room for a while.

Ok. Wanted to post to keep up my writing. Also to note successes. And thirdly – it’s Friday the 13th – how cool is that!

ciao,
:+s+:

7:15pm – just noted the cool full moon hanging about the neighborhood sky – fri 13 + full moon = ?

Sunset colors

January 11th, 2006
Current Mood:good
Current Music:Green Mind – Dink
high clouds, golden hues…
Not sure how to describe the differences in the East Coast/West Coast disconnect I’m going thru… very very nice to be ‘home’ – Boo kinda likes it a lot, and the pups seem happy, though poor Canela is wandering the house tagging along with me – I suspect she spent three weeks napping from 9 or so til 6; sorry girl. she doesn’t seem to upset about the whole thing (could be the multiple walks during the day, eh?).

I’m wearing shorts. It wasn’t quite the mid-70s it was yesterday (where I started the day in slacks and ended up quite warm, thank you very much) – still quite nice in the ‘shorts and sweatshirt’ way you can live here. I suspect the high clouds is the warning before a storm, but I think I can deal with a bit of rain, as long as it doesn’t freeze and stick to the car, right?

Fixed the pictures that I had up for LJ – still a smoking crater over at ttocsland – working on it in my mind; now I just have to carry all that hard work over to the virtual world – wow, that seems…. confusing.

Home. Odd – never put much weight into the notion, even when I was paying for a piece of the earth. Spent a bit of time in the closet of memories when I was back east, at a place I certainly feel ‘at home’ when I visit. But my den – with my music machine running from Dink to Red Tape, with my clutter, and my keyboard, and my neighborhood where I know what I like about it, and what I hate about it… wow – guess it is home to me now. Cool, really, just … different.

And so as Judgment Night rocks the den, and the Canela donuts in her bed, I’m making a jpg of my home, so that my friend MM has an idea where on Google Earth I am!

peace
:+s+:

damn – forgot I need to write about my flight home… it’ll make ya laugh!