Of Moms, Love & Memory…

c. 2003. Love ya ma

in the fall, the crisp weather makes me think. Of things I don’t like to think about.

c. ?? – Mom, her Pop and her Mom…

I tend to peruse the images I have at my disposal. I like it when I find new ones… like this one above – wonder how Mom’s life was, Walt and Mabel and their daughter – their family. at the brick wall – perhaps a band in the making?

c. 1970 – Mom goes camping

I find the ones that show the joy you had in your life, and that makes me happy.

Missing you makes me sad. Perhaps I trek this path trying to find balance.
sadly, finally, I return to the point of no return. Where I have to accept that all the love in the world doesn’t change the fact that our time here is short, and fleeting.

I miss ya mom. I’m so very lucky to have had your guidance and love and support. I stumble through some parts of this life and think you’d have a kind ear, a loving word, and I’d trundle onward. Stumbling and trundling – could be the band name!
c. 2008  … a crisp fall night that was complete crap
I like this pic because it reminds me that in my pain, in the pain my sisters and I fell headlong into, strangers welcomed us, made us as comfotable as they could, and resoutley celebrated a good woman’s life. To you fabulous bunch of complete stangers… many and much thanks. Lo these many years on…
your favorite son…

:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

Even in October … oddly, disastorous

c. minutes after I stepped into thin air

luckily, not devastating. but still. Fuck.

c. moments after Boo choose “ointment and RICE” over “don’t hesitate, amputate!!” – thanks Boo!

fun is a great thing. Kids seem to be generally a great thing. Life and love area great things.
stepping into thin air – not so much. being stuck in a place inside your head and heart where everything is here to hurt you – well, that’s just hell. that’s what that is.

how do we help those who are stuck in hell? how do I find the kindness I want to have to replace the deep rooted despite (despise? despisement? despicable?)I currently hold dear? hydrogen peroxide for the soul, that’s what I’m searching for.

c. 35,000 feet coming in from NYC, July 2015 – if not peroxide, then shouting in the shower?

so, as I crafted this under the influence of the Ollie-dog, John spoke from the past (Feb 2009, to be specific) of an influential song and the lyrics that read in part:
“It is important throughout your life to proclaim your joy”
He added a few other thoughts, as he sang a song about hope in your life…
His take was to also point out that it is also important to admit on occasion to the righteousness of your fury …

Not at all surprising that John helps me find a place to stand and breathe deeply.

Even in October.

:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

Even in October … Satisfaction

c. Oct 2015, heading into work, the sun and clouds make pretty

I like the word, not sure about the feeling it is supposed to represent.
What happens when you pursue your happiness to the best of your ability and the system fucks you over? Do you … change what makes you happy? Do you … try to figure out any possible way to make the system wrong, and thus regain satisfaction with your happiness? Do you… try to figure out how to change the system so that what you really want is thus supported as correct and right, and thus your satisfaction returns?

How do you deal with the inevitable change that the sands of time etch and erode into your life?

c. Jul 2007, who was that guy?

My friends and I are pursuing… well, we’re wading through shit. We’re revisiting shit from the past 12 months – and it’s just as shitty as it was then, and now – it’s just so annoying.

The goal – the desire to be satisfied with our efforts – is to have a happy and healthy child grow up. Kind of an odd ‘group’ goal, but that’s what it is.

What do you do when you’re doing it for the children?

Yeah, it’s a throw-away jibe, but sometimes, when you’re in search of satisfaction, it’s a whole lot more. You look and search and ponder and seek the line to say, the question to ask, the point to make and exhibit – look here – our side is better than their side, and if you choose our side that’s the right thing to do.

c. June 2015, went for a walk, got to the top … Look to this Day

Of course that the process is composed of humans acting humanly, I have little hope that this will be easy – I fear that because our friend is trying to do the right thing, she will suffer for the rest of her life. All because things change. Not because it’s an insurmountable development, but because humans get to choose to act and do things that aren’t particularly nice, and those choices, though taken at a staggering cost both now and for the future lives, are perfectly legit, and even easy, if you have the means.

From the Wiki-base …
“Satisfaction may refer to:

Contentment
Computer user satisfaction
Customer satisfaction
Job satisfaction
Satisfaction theory of atonement, a Christian view of salvation
The specification of variables that make an open sentence true
The regaining of honour in a duel”

or just maybe, how does that song go …
“I can’t get any // satsifaction
but I try, and I try, and I try …
I just can’t get none…”
[actually, it’s these words ….
“I can’t get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say
I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no girl reaction
Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no
When I’m ridin’ round the world
And I’m doin’ this and I’m signing that
And I’m tryin’ to make some girl
Who tells me baby better come back later next week
Cause you see I’m on losing streak
I can’t get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say
I can’t get no, I can’t get no
I can’t get no satisfaction
No satisfaction, no satisfaction, no satisfaction”

Even in October.

:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

Even in October … Additive

c. ~ Feb, seek a safe place to gather

How do we figure out the additive love that brings happiness to many?
How do we take the chaos and craziness and lift it to a higher ground? How to go for the bigger picture argument?
Was that the path of the Round Table talks? Or was that a gathering of like-minded who already agreed? How to get across to the middle ground to have a talk with those who see the sky as green, the grass as blue, and water as dry?

c. July 2015 – “what is that? Monster lights?” – could be…

I watched a number of TED talks to regain some faith in humanity from events both far and near.
No scraps of man. Justness. amazing bionics. Additive love and a family of 4 kids to 5 parents in 3 states. Not living your parent’s life – living your own.

c. April 2015 – awaiting a change of season

Choices to be made – so many. Make good choices.

Even in October.

:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

Even in October … Kindness

your humble narrator, c. 2011, at the start of this chapter …

Kindness. I’m sure I have this wrong, and that’s a bummer. I’m fine with trying to be kind – but I don’t nail it. I don’t give as much as I can – out of judgment, out of laziness, out of bygone interactions that left me unhappy. Talk about bruised ego.

I’m faced with finding kindness in my heart for those who are actively being mean to my friends. To those I care deeply about. Impacting the lives of children (What about the Children???!!!) – they’re adults, with intelligence and education. Yet they’re not being kind. I wonder why…

… but the answer is sooooooo close, I can’t see it.

a very good friend, c. 2011, picturing a full & happy hut

What am I left with – questions and pondering, baseless hopes straight from the Hallmark channel during the holidays, and fears of where this all will leave me. I want to be kinder than I am, and I like to think I’m pretty kind.

From the Google:
“kind·ness
ˈkīn(d)nəs/
noun
the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.
synonyms: kindliness, kindheartedness, warmheartedness, affection, warmth, gentleness, concern, care; More
a kind act.
plural noun: kindnesses
“it is a kindness I shall never forget”
synonyms: kindliness, kindheartedness, warmheartedness, affection, warmth, gentleness, concern, care;”

And so we go, along this path – oh where ever shall we end up?

mirth & joy, for Major, c. 2011, in the Bull City, durhamtown

Wherever this takes us, I hope that there will be happy foolishness for all of us. I really do. It promotes kindness.

Even in October.

:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”

Even in October …

The wind batters the sky, rain falls, ceaselessly, the ground no longer dry, the night a dark and stormy one.

I’m in a tumultuous place – I have people close to me who have been battered for months now, no end in sight. Choices made, decisions to do something other than what they started to do – you know, how things change.

The seasons change -the dry becomes wet, wet feeds a new life, a prairie floor is carved into something spectacular by a little bit of water and a lot of time; how about a surge of floodwaters changing the course of a friends life such that they must keep their ship upright, not taking on water, no matter where the winds take them?

I want to name names – I want to call names. I am angry that the pettiness and vicious vindictiveness is allowed to blossom in a system that seems rigged to the highest bidder, the biggest bully, the shittiest asshole.

I look from the shore and weep inside – I have no power over the winds, the raging torrents, the clouded sun.

I have hope. I have love. I have a belief, faltering as it may be, that in the moments coming the right thing will happen. That fact and truth will surmount braggadocio and unbridled narcissism. I haven’t read the script – I hope John doesn’t die in the end.

A few things have crashed upon my mind and soul as I have stewed in my own juices as to what to do – how to do it – who to have it done by.

Earlier this week was a Mutts’ Daily Quote – Conscious noting that “Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.”

That crossed path with Mark Morford’s words today, speaking to the gun fetishists’ love of the cold steel:  “All illusions of power and machismo vaporize, leaving only the base energies of hate and fear they often don’t understand, much less know how to transmute into something like kindness and love.”

Do they have beauty, and I just can’t see it? How do I transmute my base energies into kindness and love for them?

I’m at a loss, frankly.

I read their electronic snippets, hear the righteous indignation in their proffered stances. Such chaos and mania and serious concerns of their grasp of reality – perhaps my grasp of reality is the faulty one, eh?

I am conflicted and confused. I have umbrage with the people, their choices, their seemingly single-minded mission to fuck up the lives of my friends. Yet that is not my path… my path is that of friend. I am mightily conflicted and confused.

looking for silver linings in durhamtown c.2015

Even in October.

:: s :: | vivere militare est |

“Keep Calm and Carry On” or “Keep Calm … and Cupcakes!”