odd how even in august I can’t put together a string…

the clear blue sky above my head – eek! – aug ’18, hobbit house
I’m sorry I haven’t spoken with you lately friend.
//do I leave what I wrote below? do I share? do I  hide it out of …
the clear blue sky… well. pretty, eh? – aug’18, durhamtown
this is typed after the crafted heap of steamin’ below – it’s when I’m coming down from the engagement, the feeling of cold white heat of focus fading… room temperature returning. Why on earth would I put this out?  gah – damned if you do damned if you don’t eh?
the clear .. ah what the hell. the skies are not necissarily clear and blue, if you haven’t noticed. aug’18 durhamtown
hmmmm…. is it catharsis that I spill and don’t want to show the mess? is it my sense of decorum? is it my shame? or is it guilt? there was a discussion of those two feels in a book I was reading the other week. sigh.
how about one more pic, and then you can move onto something … else.
below us only the entire world, hidden from our senses – aug ’18, chapelhilltown
I’d tell you over the phone but I’d rather maintain the artifice of doing alright,  making it through – you don’t want to hear the despair in my voice, the truthful description of how much I loath myself and fear for the near/permanent future, do you?
I’m in a hate spiral because as much as I have the ONLY reason to change my life – have you seen my kid? he’s kinda cute – I’ve only maintained. and it turns out I’m maintaining a sinking into oblivion/abyss/hopelessness.
Thankfully it’s compounded by my love who is herself deep into self-torture, doubting all the choices made, like myself. angry at the inaction of her spouse, like myself. frustrated and depressed and lost.
All the while having these super-nova-esque interactions with Rumbly that leaves me/her/us in awe.
Forget who railed, comedicaly, on the loss of our adjectives – “dude, this sandwich is awesome!” means perhaps watching a solar eclipse while holding your 6mo is … just as awesome? As awesome as a BOGO on that sammy? Hmmm…

But – I digress. I choose to change the subject – let’s laugh at something that is – I hope, I’m pretty sure – intrinsically funny/ironic/amusing. Awesome – what should we hold out for when using that phrase? Parker & Otis’ (fancy words for grilled ham & cheese – pretty sure two of the words are French) sammy was – in my opinion – the best damn sandwich I’ve ever had. I offer that opinion after having it twice – once could be luck, twice confirmed my suspicion that I had actually had the best meal in hand in my life. It was awe-inspiringly good.

But my kid – oh, my kid.
I don’t speak or share much of his wonderfulness do I?
I wish I was better at that – it’s near the top of an impossibly long list of things I wish I was better at.
ha – the reason I am here writing this is because I looked at the calendar behind Rumbly’s head this morning and noted that, as I had poured my heart and soul into being the ‘keeper of the dates’ I’ve let that go. happy anniv M&J-A – I was gonna find a pic of the balloon over the mountain and say how much I’m happy thinking of the love you two have, and that the two wee ones are going to be amazing people if only for the love they are being raised in. 
I mean – it’s what I truly think – I’m happy for you, I’m happy to be in the sphere of y’alls life and love. & I couldn’t put in the 15 minutes to accomplish that. I was distracted by a YouTube series on a young teleporting teenager in upstate new york (impulse, iyc) – and almost every other moment I hated on myself since I wasn’t doing what need to be done.
Get a job. Pay my bills. Figure out going forward in a secure manner.

Oh, it was also my mother-in-law’s birthday yesterday. Pretty sure Ed’s too.
and all I can do is bob among the flotsam and jetsam of this marsh I’ve wandered into.

fuck.

I need help. That is clearly obvious to anyone who glances my way.
But I’m not good at asking or taking help – note the ‘why bother the kind wonderful peeps who’ve somehow befriended me? we’ll talk in generalities, in pleasantries… it’s the nice thing to do’ – there’s a few psychological notes on why I find myself in this pickle. Overly-conscientious was the phrase that intro’d me into a critical assessment of my ‘niceness’ – thank goodness I jumped on that challenge in my teens, right? would hate to make it far into life with a somewhat skewed moral compass. But alas, we don’t always get to see where we’re going until we get there.

and here I am.
which would be totally fine.
Except for him. He’s soooo cool.
He’s uninsured.
His birth hasn’t been payed down at all.
He’s gonna be 18mo in a bit.
what the fuck am I doing?

hey – if you’ve read this far and have an answer to that let me know, ok?
If you have a lead on employment that pays big cash and requires upto and including moving dead bodies, let me know, alright?
I’m sorry you’re reading this. It’s not ‘nice’. It’s not ‘good’. It’s really really shitty, but for some god damn reason I hold onto these boulders of shit with all my might and I don’t know why, I don’t know how to let go without running away (for those longtime audience members y’all may remember on how well I do that, eh?)
fuck
fuck
fuck
I listen often to a good sir John, a DJ at the small community station keXp in seattle-town.
He often reminds people that “you are not alone” – that is a truth that I whole-heartedly support. whole heartedly believe.
but…
here’s the thing.
in the dark, in the deep deep cruel corners of your mind that the yappy dogs drag you back to at 3 in the morning – then – we’re all alone. Well, we’re in the company of some very very shitty people, oddly people you do and don’t know.
but alone.
and it’s a struggle – I don’t recall the veracity of this fight in my youth – I recall the company of my demons, but alas…
well, if we had a time machine eh? boy howdy would things be differently the same, I suspect.
Ok.
well, glad I got this off my chest.
rumbly leans against the wall/fencing of his octo-crib here in the living room.
it’s not where I want him to be.
hell – I still don’t know why I’m allowed to have him in my life.
//9:22a & john offers PJ’s ‘we float’ as part of the soundtrack to the universe – ever notice the lyrics are about YOU right NOW?? amazing!//
ciao,
//8:57a+29Aug2018 = Wednesday morn || the pleasing narrator & cast of the adventures of young ms. S. and her sassy waterfowl!||

of double edged blades

sunflower crafted as a metal sculpture
does metal ‘blossom’? – Nov ’16, NC Botanical Garden

I noted the headline last week from the Intercept/ Guardian on the latest release of good sir Snowden’s archives. 

// hmmm, soviet resident, yes? hmmm, oddly powerful russian hacking? hmmm, these times are certainly interesting, da?//

Of deeds perpetuated in the name of American Freedom, how No Such Agency utilized access via VPNs to spy on those around the world. & thus a double-edged blade.

In the unicorn filled utopia of a Michael Bay reality, I most certainly want my intelligence agencies to accomplish their missions – spy on our enemies. Keep us safe. As I see it, however, the problem becomes when the consensus of who the enemy is, on what it is to be safe – and free – becomes twisted, that the bloodletting begins.

I guess, in this rather pondering entry, is the bleeding happening close to the heart? When used against the private citizens & allies, hasn’t our fight been lost? I look at an areal of NSA main and understand – so many good, talented, professional people propping up a house of cards – is the blade cutting close to the root? How can madness be stopped?

Sadly I believe there is no recourse to heading down river, towards the thunderous roar of rapids, rocks, and cascades into the mist.

Beware the tools that make you magical for none are mighty enough to wield them well.

Ciao, :: s ::
Respice ad diem hanc“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

oddly near the end of August surprises abound

cloudy skies, blank walls, light traffic – au ’18, durhamtown

What exactly is it that I want to write here?
What exactly is it that I think I have to write about?
“write every day, speak every week” – good advice, but with out a goal I tend to wander

So, it seems like the leadership of our country is not the sterling example of what makes america great, is it? woot rule of law and some such. What’s that? saving your own hide? sure, whatever makes the world a better place.

a place to be, pretty skies – aug ’18, durhamtown

well shit.
from the show Banshee that’s eating my time the comment ‘do people really change? we evolve, trying to become better versions of ourselves, right?’ – that’s a good way of looking at things.

best of luck with our evolution, friends, family and passer-bys – at least the sky is blue from time to time.
Oh – Silencing Sam – that was a pretty good thing. so woot!

Ciao,

//1:36a+22Aug2018=early Wednesday morn || the howls of fans – but not in the good way//

even in August piano covers sound wonderful

why oh why won’t the universe give me a sign!!!???? – aug ’18, durhamtown

begin. again.
Hi. How are you doing? Good I hope. You’re looking good – summer treating you well? Yeah – time away from the grind helps a lot.
Me? Oh, you know, the same ol’ same ol’…
For me that means I’m rinsing & repeating the process I’ve dedicated myself to for these past 16 months. Funny how easy it is to focus on another when they are helpless.

Tonight I watched as he used his very own hands to feed himself a baby-safe ‘mac’ n’ cheese’ concoction – Boo thinks there were rice puffs involved.
What I took away from the event was that we both need to have an alternate clothing option lined up while he accomplishes his awesomeness. Perhaps I’ll start looking at ‘All-Hawaian All the Time’ wardrobe choices. He was kinda really happy about feeding himself – he used a spoon, then he used his hands. Oh the smile. Oh the mess.

||”Teardrop” by alexey nosov, guitar cover||

clouds float in, clouds float out – aug ’18, hobbit house

so, why are we here? No, not the big ‘why do we exist?’ – the much more mundane ‘so, blogger, Scott’s words – are you living your best life?’
As good ms. Clare tells us – “Make Good Choices”

I have for as long as I recall believed I shouldn’t burden others.
the above – (where I’m essentially trying not to burden myself?) – perfect example.
Let us discuss pleasantries. Let us discuss something good – or at least as good as it is right now.
That kid, I tell ya.

He deserves a great life. He really does.

clouds float … oh my. oh my. aug ’18, durhamtown

Boo & I currently watch YouTube videos from various “Makers” during our meal time at night. There’s a few we’ve enjoyed for a while – Alec Steele, he makes swords; Laura – she’s German and has a cute pup; Four Eyes – he makes furniture; The SlowMo guys – they break things.

The joy of a connected and “Big Data’d” world is that we get suggestions from The Algorithm – and that can certainly eat into your evening hours. Tonight post-pizza slices we were entertained by a metalworking gent from over Britain way (maybe Scotland?) who was making the DragonSlayer sword from some anime/manga world (as you do, you know) – his personality as presented was wonderfully different than Alec’s, or the pirate-dude metalworker. Two points here – a) always impressed with others who can be honest with themselves and others, and #2 – do I ever get close to that truth? I am just not sure – I believe I do, and I know I don’t (oh whatever is on Scott’s mind I doubt anyone wonders)… suspect it’s a facet of confidence that allows one to just be themselves. Minor concern is that I might not see who I show myself as. Hmmm…

Ok – piano covers are lovely. YouTube will give you a collection of not only Josh’s but all sorts of good and bad, lovely and horrible covers performed by the talented and untalented alike.

Will you do one thing for me? Take care of each other. 

Perhaps if I can organize my thoughts/notes I can put a list of ‘things scott was distracted by this week’ kinda of podcast. ‘Cause if nothing else I can make lists!

Be good to yourself. Be good to others.

ciao,

//9:27p+20Aug2018=Monday eve || Piano covers by Josh Cohen – Beck “Morning”, Bowie “Space Oddity”//

even in August there’s the feeling of beginning

dawn’s … well, early isn’t it, really – layabout light, aug ’18, hobbithouse

the beginning of honest acknowledgement that there are problems to be dealt with.
the beginning of ‘but it’s now, and the future. Nothing about before really truly matters’
the beginning of answering tough questions with brutally clear answers – what is it that I want.
the beginning of growth can be a beautiful thing.
how about you?
at what beginning point are you?

the beginning of the 21 Century, Boston, not sober, not drunk enough – ~Jan ’00

ha ha ha – I speak of beginnings, and dive way way back. funny how habits seem to keep you doing things you’d rather not.

There was an inquiry the other day about me and feeling joy.
I responded, in complete honest, “every day I start with a feeling of joy”

Ode to joy, and cheerios. Aug ’18, Hobbit House

perhaps the tool I shall utilize more frequently will be the mindfulness instruction to ‘begin again’ – why is it I’ve learned to hold on so fucking tightly to the past? pretty sure there’s a song by the mountain goats that illustrates that habit in an awesome way…

“We show great loyalty to the hard times we’ve been through/ We are filled with riches and wonders/ Our love keeps the things it finds…”

+++

+++
trying to figure out how to count, how to maintain, is this 002? or 0002? or 2?
If only I could hear myself reassure me that “it doesn’t matter in the least”

Remember the other month when I shared the kindnesses that Ed & Jeff shared with not only myself but with durhamtown?
‘Take care of each other, ok?”
still good advice.

ciao,

//7:06p + 18Aug2018= Saturday evening || the howling fan of a MacBook Air doing some media encoding!!! (and the echoes of ‘Hook’, Blues Travelers studio recording, played to entertain the wee lad during the mushing hour)//

even in August, quiet nights fly by so quickly

other-worldly coloration, but it looks sooooo soft – Aug ’18, durhamtown

‘write every day. give a speech, make a podcast every week’ – hmmm… well that’s a good idea, eh?

bright beautiful western light, a play room with the best toy ever – a cardboard box! – aug ’18, hobbit house

I have ideas. Have always had ideas – remember the converted semi that would go from town to town in rural Kentuky and – with some kinda magic – allow the kids to a) hear music from all over, and b) make a personalized compact disc!!! I blame UTK’s left of the dial station with introducing me to social d & hank rollins – and my sensible heart worried that there were people unable to have the awakening I had. things must be done! … sigh.

Ideas.
Dreams.
It is quite depressing, however, to pull my head out of the clouds, attack my daydreaming habits, and face the cruel reality that my choices haven’t placed me where I need to be.
I’m faced with what should be a terrifying cliff, a fall into the abyss, and all I seem capable of acting upon is my blather, my perusal of all the world has to show – not action, not planning to act, mere acknowledgement that there’s a problem. and I continue on my merry way.
I fear there might be a problem with that instinctual maneuvering. Wish me luck.

sometimes I think I have a skill / ability with taking photographs – most of the time I don’t – hobbit house, jul ’12

As the nights fly by, as I drag my attention from all those moments behind me, try to see what it is that I want to build – what I want from the future, I have pangs of hope.

I can build on that. 
‘write once a day. speak once a week’ – ok. One down, one to go.
Here’s to a marvelous future.
ciao,

//11:43p + 16Aug2018= thursday eve || of gardening hopes and dream, fueled by .white .hats, and the resonating echoes of an angel returned to heaven//

August in the hinterland

the rain was welcomed … however the swelter in durhamtown is not. Aug ’18

Using the Gutenberg editor for WordPress – go me! was talking about technology and the challenge of embracing never-ending change.

  • I like to use the Sangertown Mall example – they paved a swamp, built a mall on it and … tada!! Change was done, finished, complete! sigh
  • Tech is a great place for observationals – Mr. Gray’s friend, on a CB1000 with a tank mounted mobile phone – bummed about the helmet law but he’d figure out selling cell phones in the bay area in 1990 – wonder if he did well?
  • storage – hilarious examples at DTCC for my classes – how big was the microdrive I had on my first digicam? sigh
  • etc etc ad nauseum
when life is a beach, bring friends – Jul ’18 ballardtown
you can rotate an image in WP/Gute, but … not full fledged editing. s’allright, yes? Jul’18 rduTown

This is a verse block - not sure the exact difference
If I were to guess, I see an indent on the right, perhaps even pre-placed divider top and bottom - oh look
it scrolls. Huh.

Ciao, :: s ::
Respice ad diem hanc“Don’t Forget to Be Awesome”

Well, all I have to do is keep at it, right? Begin again as I’ve been led to understand.

because even in August I want to be helpful!

So, in my trek there was discussion that theoretically was in my sphere of knowledge – 4-wheel-drive vans. I am fairly sure I wasn’t as expressive as I could have been, but in my defense “sleep dep” can be fun, it can be futile.

Ok, B&C – this is what I meant to be discussing.
Sportsmobile vans are the ones I whang-jangled describing. I was correct – Ford Eco-line vans turned into off-road applicable chariots. Essentially Jeeps for families, kinda.

Here’s a picture –

(c) https://sportsmobile.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/van-smb-classic-4×4-cutaway-04.jpg – pardon my borrowing ::scott::

Of course then we spoke of a PA conversion company – found them here – Quigley which has the Ford Transit conversions I believe B. was speaking too – warranty honored and such.

A picture –

(c) http://www.quigley4x4.com/Portals/0/Images/Home%20Rotator%20Backgrounds/RedTransitHero.jpg?ver=2015-09-28-111451-033 – pardon my borrowing ::scott::

So, yes – you can get what you want. All it takes is money.

sportsmobile vans are availalbe for rent – here – with a $2500 weekly rate as of Aug 2018.

http://tontotrails.com/rates/

Also here – with specials that sound great, if you have the time and money.

http://www.campervannorthamerica.com/specials.shtml

One last place – here – has these sort of rates –

https://checkout.wheelbasepro.com/reserve?owner_id=2180

And I even found the ‘previously loved’ page at Sportsmobile! – this is the Fresno site:

(c) https://sportsmobile.com/inventory/cars-for-sale/1998-ford-rb-e350-diesel-4×4/ – pardon my borrowing ::scott::

here’s where I mentioned that this avenue is ‘pricey’ – above is a 1998 ford diesel, 150+K miles, will sleep 4! – asking $45,000.

Quigley’s ad $~13K to up-grade a van to 4×4; with vans running ~45K new – tada! money well spent.

All of that said it is an option; this limited info was from a decent 45 mins of google-fu working off of my recollections and your hints.

I think for your upcoming voyage the F150 seems to suggest up to 20 city/25 highway; similar for the Tacoma; a Transit 150 runs 15/19!! (well, it is a cube) – the web says your ToyVan should be about 20 combined, so…

Wish I was more successful in the ‘there’s got to be a Unicorn setup company here somewhere’ – but I didn’t stumble upon it.

huh – poked the chevy colorado (Tacoma competitor) and it claims 20+/ up to 35 highway!! I  know they have a diesel in the mix (Toyota doesn’t) so there’s that.

Okie dokie – here’s to dreams and the pursuit of them!

ciao,
:: s :: | Respice ad diem hanc |

//9:42p + 2 Aug 2018 = Thursday eve | the whirring, clicking, spinning and clacking of neurons in full repast!//

even in August, my capacity for flumuxed-ness is amazing!

hangin’ in with a hope and a Prayin’ – durhamtown, aug 2018

So here we go again. Again. yet once more, eh?
how the hell are you? you doing ok? you well? I hope so.

Ever have hopes and then have them dashed because technology just is not the awesome-magic-sauce we want it to be? Yeah – me too. So… we begin again. And the sky is a bright blue mind, clouds float in, clouds float out!

pre-storm sky mind, durhamtown, aug 2018

So, window clinging might be what we need to master. Perhaps.

I have enjoyed my break from this attempt at structured capture – no idea if I would have been able to continue + would have enjoyed + would have actually committed ‘creative effort’ – but if I did it would have been totally awesome. Like mind-blowingly awesome. Wanna see?

sunset over ShilShole Marina, Ballard, WA – Jul 2018

right there, says Rumbly. good point, son – Jul 2018, Ballard-town

something beautiful this way grows – ballard-town, Jul 2018

need more beauty? sure – here you go! – ballard-town, Jul 2018

four stones in your hand are worth how many birds in a bush? maths! hate ’em!! – Puget Sound, ballard-town, Jul ’18

and that’s from like 2, 3 days of our trek. Yeah – it was a very nice break.

And we are back. Back to Hobbit House. Hali is home from her Pet Wagon vacation.

weeeeeeee!!!!!! – Hali-tosis on her toes! durhamtown, Jul ’18

Adjusting to the not as crisp weather that the South in Summer has to offer. Re-confronting the incredible challenges we are facing, looking for a path over/onward. Wish us luck.

But today, as flumuxed as I am, I have hope. I find the balance I’m seeking in the amazing joy I soaked in, in the depth of the love and kindness not just from friends and family, but from the framilies of those friends, family. When the weight drags you down, and your attention is to where you’re heading, it’s easy to forget to look up, see the sun in the sky, understand that like the Olympics things will never change, and like the Amazon Crane-forest, everything is going to change. Kinda odd that I’ve grasped that at last, at this stage in my life. Kinda good though, I’m pretty glad – perhaps this understanding is the beginning of my learning to let go of the weight and pull myself up and out.

There’s a rock on my desk now –

a community, a keen observational communique, something solid, and a wonderful gift – all parts of my joy. durhamtown, Aug 2018

it’s one of a number of rocks I’ve gathered – oddly, they have little to no weight about them. They are reminders – so I can take note of where I’ve been.

Ok – this has been good, don’t you think? I mean, meandering – of course, obviously, I’m writing it – but crisp, from point to point… // sorry – went to see why my building was howling – turns out, a bit of a storm a brewin’ out there!!

hang in there Mantis, hang in there! – Aug 2018, durhamtown

… just whoa!//

Ok – crisp, point to point, did I mention I enjoyed Baywatch a bit, saw and like Justice league, want to finish the 2nd half of CHIPs, and by golly that’s a lot of movies I was able to watch! go me!
friends please be good to yourselves, let’s take care of each other, ok?
ciao,

//2:58p + 2 Aug 2018 = Thursday afternoon || D-SIDES, ORPHANS & ODDITIES – 7/21/18 – ‘so glad we made it’ by Olivia? Gimme Some Lovin’… huh. why not have a great audio track to my afternoons?//